Bases Bloated: Donald Trump – America’s Lice

You know when people talk about head lice and your scalp starts itching, not because you have lice but because it’s disgusting? When I hear or see Donald Trump, my scalp starts to itch.

I’ve never had lice, head or otherwise. When the inevitable yearly outbreak would descend upon my elementary school, my head was always spared. I’m not sure why those gnarly little fuckers avoided my hair but they did. So lice, if you’re reading this, thanks. Also lice, if you can read, you’re probably more qualified to make America “great” again, but more on that later.

Even though I never had lice myself, I still had to have my hair washed with that lice shampoo that smells like old whole wheat bread. I distinctly remember leaning my head over the tub and my mother and father taking turns scrubbing my scalp with that bread-smelling shampoo.

Kids get lice. Probably because they’re kinda dumb and touch everything then touch their heads? I don’t know how exactly but the point is that kids get lice then you wash their tiny heads with old whole wheat bread serum that kills off the little bastards so that the kids can get back to picking their noses and giggling whenever someone says anything that even remotely sounds like “poop.”

Anyway, back to lice. When your child gets them, you wash them away. But what happens when your kid gets Donald Trump as a president? You can’t wash him away. There isn’t enough old whole wheat bread shampoo to wipe that orange-faced bigoted orangutan off the planet.

Small handed vulgarian Remember when fascism was fun? Remember when being racist used to be a hoot? OH WAIT. THAT WAS NEVER. My grandparents were Holocaust survivors so you can only imaging the cool fucking time they had in Europe during WW2. Thankfully, they have all since passed on and aren’t around to see the love child of Adolf and Benito spewing vitriol about immigrants all while mocking disabled journalists and trying to convince us he’s got a UGE dong. FYI- my paternal grandfather was a big fan of Hillary Clinton, while the rest probably would’ve supported Bernie Sanders. Either way, they would’ve been appalled by what the Republican Party is trying to do to the country they’d spend much of their hard earned Canadian dollars in at places like the Walgreens in Staten Island or the Olive Garden in Deerfield Beach, Florida. You know the Jews, we love us some pharmacies and some never ending bread baskets.

Donald Trump is a thick layer of head lice that is quickly blanketing the United States. The more outlandish, racist and sexist he becomes, the higher he surges in the polls. What’s fascinating is that his supporters don’t seem to realize that he’s not actually saying anything. He has a secret plan to defeat ISIS. He’s gonna make Mexico pay for the wall. He knows how to handle Putin. And where does he stand on gun control? Is he anti-abortion? Does he support gay marriage? Women’s rights? Okay, I’m pretty sure we know where he stands on women’s rights considering he thinks we’re all bleeding from our ears and mouths and our “whatevers” at all times.

Here’s where it gets even shittier: Regurgitated-blobfish-carcass Marco Rubio and bat-faced-earthworm-Disney-villain Ted Cruz are just as crappy as Trump. The only difference between the three candidates is you know exactly where Rubio and Cruz stand on their issues.

Ted Cruz sees one of his most promising young staffers crying. He approaches her.

Ted Cruz: Why are you crying little lady?

Cruz Staffer: [sobbing uncontrollably] Sir, I was raped the other day and now I’m pregnant.

Ted Cruz: Well thems the breaks, kid. God wants you to be pregnant so suck it up and bless this miracle. I’m also going to have to fire you for having a child out of wedlock. Machine gun bacon!

Cruz Staffer: [between sobs] Did you not hear me? I was raped.

Ted Cruz: I heard you, and want to thank you for all your hard work on the campaign, but I gotta go defund Planned Parenthood. Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns. I hate the gays. Guns, guns, guns, guns. Gay people are sinners. Guns, guns and guns.


Rubio Staffer: Sir, you have to go vote on –

Marco Rubio: I’m gonna stop you right there. We have to stop saying that Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Rubio Staffer: Okay? But sir, your shoddy voting record is a big joke within the party.

Marco Rubio: We have to stop saying that Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Rubio Staffer: Sure but can you please vote on something? Anything.

Marco Rubio: Yeah, yeah okay just give me a quick minute to defund Planned Parenthood. Guns. No gays ever. We have to stop saying that Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Guns.


The only good thing to come out of a Trump presidency is that Cruz and Rubio will be deported because Donald the Bloated probably thinks they’re Mexican.

Strategic voting is something that Canadians do when we’re fed up with our government’s refusal to end massive spending, hidden racism against Indigenous people and an economy that relies too heavily on oil. We did it in 2015 in order to oust Conservative leader Stephen Harper and replace him with hunky Liberal Justin Trudeau. In Canada we’ve mastered the art of getting the bad guys out. Even in parts of Quebec where shit gets pretty racist, pretty fast (Google “pure laine,” you’ll be in for a real treat) everyone did their part to get Harper out. Oh and in Nova Scotia, where I live, we’re pretty much single-handedly responsible for the Liberal “GIVE US OUR DAMN WEED” takedown of the worst 9+ years of government the country’s seen in a long time. You’re welcome, Ontario.

Americans can learn from our strategic voting tactics. Over the past few weeks, we’ve seen countless Republican Party fat cats (re: old white dudes) come out against Trump. What did Mitt Romney call him? A not smart person? Unfortunately, they’re all party loyalists who would back a used condom full of boogers if it was the GOP nominee. They’d probably also claim that the used condom full of boogers has personhood and cannot be thrown away. Just kidding, they don’t use condoms because birth control is the DEVIL’S WORK!!!!!!

If human fart noise Donald Trump gets the GOP nomination and you’re planning to vote for him because of party loyalty, you’re making a UGE mistake. He has no clear policies or agenda of any kind besides kicking out everyone who isn’t white. FYI, “white” by Donald Dump’s definition is basically anyone who makes over six figures yearly and isn’t an “ethnic.” He pretended he had no idea who David Duke is or that the KKK was a white supremacist group because to him, it’s just another endorsement. He’s probably going to pick Chris Christie as his running mate and then no one will ever be able to use a bridge again. And, he’s super fucking racist. Donald Trump is racist. The end. Do not pass go. Do not build another casino. By voting for Trump to be your next president, you are giving your children lice. Big, orange, pompous lice that says “get him out!” whenever an African-American person ends up at one of his rallies. You are giving your children an itchy scalp and there’s no cure for at least four years. Four years is too long to live under a dictatorship. Also, if you want Trump to be president you’re a racist too. Just thought you should know. Many of his supporters claim that he’s just saying what everyone is thinking. Bullshit. Not everyone is thinking that all women are hormonal monsters, that all Muslims are terrorists and that all Mexicans are rapists.

It is looking very likely that Trump is going to get the nomination. You need to vote for the Democratic candidate, no matter who she or he is. Also, if by some miracle, Rubio, Cruz and the other guy who thinks his first order of business as president is to reunite Pink Floyd gets the nomination because Trump drops out of the race, you still need to vote for the Democrat. Don’t be a loser. Unless you like unemployment, hate immigrants, think every member of the LGBT community is a sinner, and believe you know what’s best for a woman’s body…

It’s not America that Trump is trying to make great again, it’s Nazi Germany. If you vote for Hitler 2.0 because of party loyalty, Canada’s gonna build a nice big wall of moose antlers and hockey sticks to keep you out. Maple syrup makes one hell of mortar.

Who’s itchy now?

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