Bases Bloated: I watched the Entourage movie and would someone like to help me bleach my eyes?

 Cannot unsee.

Call it morbid curiosity. Call it boredom. Call it, it was on and I pay way too much for my cable package for me not to watch every single goddam program on it.

If you live under a rock – who’s your realtor because that must be some rock? – you may have no idea what Entourage is and why it’s a big deal that a movie was made of it.

Here’s the gist: Big Hollywood agent with anger management issues sees handsome dude from Queens in a Mentos commercial. It is the fresh maker so I totally get it. Big Hollywood agent with anger management issues is convinced handsome dude from Queens is the bee’s knees. Handsome dude from Queens moves his entire crew – his entourage, if you will – out to Los Angeles to watch him become the knees of said bee. After a rocky start, he eventually does become the bee’s knees; homophobic and misogynist times ensue. The show ran for seven seasons on HBO, a cable network whose slogan is: It’s not TV, it’s boobies. The show was produced by Mark Wahlberg and was based on his own experience of coming up in Hollywood.

This is the plot of the movie: Vince (Mentos commercial guy) is directing a movie about DJ’ing. There’s some boobies. E (Vince’s manager and long-time bestie) is expecting a baby with Sloan (an educated no-nonsense bitch – we’ll get there, don’t you worry). There’s some more boobies. Turtle (Vince’s pal from back home, not fat anymore but they still make fat jokes about him) got rich from his tequila company. A woman shows her boobies. Ari (agent who yells) and Mrs. Ari (wife of agent who yells, also no-nonsense bitch) are in therapy again because he can’t stop being an angry asshole. Boobies. Johnny Drama (Vince’s brother, says “bro” a lot) wins a Golden Globe. FIN. Spoiler alert! The Entourage movie still manages to be a misogynistic load of dookie even though it features MMA fighter Ronda Rousey beating up Turtle. No, I do not condone violence but in this case Turtle represents the patriarchy and Rousey represents every woman.

Here are some other things that happen in the movie:

  • Bob Saget makes a cameo and asks Vince to bang his daughter’s friends so he doesn’t have to. We get it Bob Saget, you’re not Danny Tanner anymore. You’re edgy. Jokes! You’re still Danny Tanner, you’re just a perv.
  • Rob Gronkowski funnels a beer surrounded by women, some of whom are not wearing tops. This was probably taken directly from Gronk’s Instagram.
  • Many people give Ari the finger and call him an asshole to his face or behind his back. Don’t worry you guys, Ari loves his kids.
  • The kid from The Sixth Sense now has facial hair and is incredibly inappropriate towards one of the women from the “Blurred Lines” video – which BTW is basically a song about getting around consent.
  • Ari delivers many homophobic slurs while talking to and about his former assistant Lloyd.
  • Gary Busey.
  • T.I. says something misogynistic at a doctor’s office. Also, great to see you T.I. You still do rap stuff?
  • Drama’s sex tape ends up on TMZ and everyone gives him shit about it so he threatens to kill himself at his shrink’s office. Suicide, always funny!
  • E has a sexual awakening because Drama puts something in his drink to lower his inhibitions. Had this scenario occurred on Law & Order: SVU and E was a woman, Drama would’ve been on trial. He would’ve gotten off because even SVU knows how the world works: Women are homes for boobies and you can like, put stuff in their drinks because LOL they secretly want it.
  • The movie that Vince directs is called Hyde and it looks horrid yet everyone who sees it says it’s incredible. Have we not learned from Medellin?
  • Mark Wahlberg and his entourage make an appearance. Meta!
  • The song. You know the song. Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
  • Jessica Alba has a quick scene. Why do you do this to yourself? Can you not find work? The worst part is she tells Ari she’ll do the picture where she’s a sex object only if he greenlights her passion project. Wait, that’s how Hollywood works in real life. Holy crap, Entourage, you nailed it.

Let’s talk about the jokes. First someone needs to tell me where they were because I didn’t laugh once. There were some “lol I’m a Jew lololololol I’m the best lolol I’m rich lolol did I mention that I’m Jewish” attempts at humor from Ari but they were lost on this Jew and frankly, bordered on anti-Semitic.

Leonardo DiCaprio is BFFs with Kevin Connolly, the larry who plays E. When asked in an interview with Bill Simmons why DiCaprio never appeared on the show, Connolly said it was a timing issue. Translation: Even a 41-year-old playboy who runs with 21-year-old supermodels won’t appear on Entourage because even he knows it’s a misogynistic piece of garbage. Plus, if DiCaprio wants to see boobies, it’s a pretty safe bet that he can whenever, wherever. Congratulations on your Oscar!unnamed

Entourage the TV show was something else. I’ll admit that it didn’t bother me as much as it should’ve and truth be told, I liked the first two seasons. I’m guilty of using some quotes like “Let’s hug it out, bitch” too. But that was when the writing was strong and the show itself was satirical. From season three on, the show became a softcore showcase for Jeremy Piven’s yelling skills and what are those things that women have? Oh yeah, boobies.

Misogyny in the movies and TV isn’t new and although I wasn’t expecting the Entourage movie to pass the Bechdel test … That’s pretty much the end of that sentence. Many HBO shows that I watch such as Game of Thrones and Girls use naked women to further a story or to provide a sense of realism. Well, as real as a world can be where whenever Marnie sings she doesn’t get eaten by dragons. Even GoT moved away from the constant sexposition and concentrated on having less boobies and more shedding of the blood of the innocent.

My problem isn’t with the nudity itself; it’s how the women are represented in the Entourage universe. In the land of Entourage, women throw themselves at Vince and his pals with the sole purpose of banging him. These woman are used as props to show how super totally important this actor is and women just wanna do it with him because he’s so important and talented and amazing. Besides the prop gals, any woman in the Entourage universe that has a job is portrayed as a no-nonsense bitch –she’s probably ragging it! – who screams and yells to get what she wants. Dana Gordon, Shauna the publicist, Sloan and Mrs. Ari are all women who if they existed in the real world would be still be treated as no-nonsense bitches who scream and yell to get what they want – they’re all ragging it! – even though they are smart, talented and oh crap, Entourage nailed it again.

The movie’s script was written by the show’s creator, who contrary to popular belief is not a teenage boy even though the dialogue is juvenile and basically a vessel to show more boobies. The problem is not that Doug Ellin – Entourage’s mastermind – was able to write and direct this movie, it’s that there was a demand for it. HBO was like, “YASSSSS let’s do this. Take some money that we could be using to greenlight shows that are about strong women who aren’t basket cases and give that dead Entourage horse another kick.”

I’m aware that I just became part of the problem for not only watching the movie but also writing about it. I can’t boycott HBO because the majority of the programs I watch come from there. Except for Vinyl and Togetherness. I tried with both and although they’re not as infuriating as the Entourage movie, they too have their own set of issues and unnecessary boobies.

Is this movie going to get a sequel? I’m too scared to ask the Internet but I fear that even if Entourage 2: As if Mark Wahlberg Doesn’t Have Enough Money Already, doesn’t get a sequel we’re not done with movies and TV shows where a group of dudes get carte blanche to do misogyny like it’s their full-time job. Also, boobies.

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