Trevor Story’s 7 home runs in the first 7 days of the 2016 MLB season is the stuff of legend. Such a Hurculean feat deserves to be immortalized in grand song. We’re talking a “Say Hey,” “Did You See Jackie Robinson Hit That Ball,” “Where Have You Gone, Joe DiMaggio,” kind of song.

Sorry, Trevor, all we could muster was a bad parody of Nine Days’ 1990’s classic, “Absolutely (Story of a Girl).” Enjoy!

How is Trevor Story such a pearl?
Swings a bat and he beats the whole world!
He projects so bad on Rotographs
So I’m absolutely puzzled
By his rise.

Could hit 100 homeruns in a year.
Denver’s lookin’ for hope,
Their new hero is here.
But his April streak is so weird.
Is it just empty promises, never for real?
But As long as he keeps on raking,
Filling the holes left by Tulo’s old shoes;
How many home runs disappear?
When you’re hitting .550
How can you lose?

The holes in his swing just all melt away.
His fly balls fall in just the right way.
He always seems to blow up their ERAs.

How is Trevor Story such a pearl?
Swings a bat and he beats the whole world!
He projects so bad on Rotographs
So I’m absolutely puzzled
By his rise.

How many others would play,
Swingin’ a big stick day after day.
How did he wind up this way;
Puttin’ up numbers like video games?
As long as he keeps on raking,
Filling the holes left by Tulo’s old shoes;
Fantasy Owners will pay
All of their aces for Trevor and lose.

The holes in his swing just all melt away.
His fly balls fall in just the right way.
He always seems to blow up their ERAs.

How is Trevor Story such a pearl?
Swings a bat and he beats the whole world!
He projects so bad on Rotographs
So I’m absolutely puzzled
How is Trevor Story such a pearl?
Swings a bat and he beats the whole world!
He projects so bad on Rotographs
So I’m absolutely puzzled
How is Trevor Story such a pearl?
Swings a bat and he beats the whole world!
He projects so bad on Rotographs
So I’m absolutely puzzled
By his rise.
By his rise!