Bases Bloated: Batman is the Best 5-Tool Superhero

When I was eight, I was taken to see Batman. This was a big deal because a) it was 1989 and at that point I hadn’t gone to see many movies, b) I was already a fan of Tim Burton because of Beetlejuice, c) I had watched the Batman TV series starring Adam West and Burt Ward and d) because I had read a few Batman comics by that time. It was rated PG-13 which in today’s climate would probably be rated G and it changed my life.

To me, Batman is the ultimate 5-tool superhero. While superheroes are generally known to have super powers, Batman has none. He can’t fly. He can’t shoot webs out of his wrists. He can’t light anything on fire with his mind. He can’t shape-shift. He just has cool gadgets and piles of money at his disposal. He’s in it for revenge because he lost his parents when he was a kid which you of course know because every time they reboot the franchise, we have to see Thomas and Martha Wayne die in an alley over and over again.

Batman is the only superhero I care about because he could be anybody. He could be you. He could Pat Burrell. He could be me if I had the right equipment. He could be Ben Affleck. Although, I refuse to see Batman vs Superman: Dawn of the Apes because Man of Steel was so bad. Zach Snyder, stop blowing up buildings just to blow them up. Do you have a 9/11 fetish? It’s weird, bro. The Fantastic 4 reboot was better than Man of Steel which says a lot considering F4 was très caca. Except for all the scenes with Miles Teller. I heart you Miles. You give me whiplash. You are spectacular now. I will go into the rabbit hole with you. Well, that was an awkward moment. Sorry I’m being a little divergent here. Back to Batman and his 5 tools.

Running speed: Batman runs pretty dang fast considering how much gear he wears. His suit alone must weight more than Prince Fielder.

Throwing: You ever seen him throw one of those bat-ninja-star thingies? He’ll get a bad guy right in the throat. Accurate. Batman bring his a-game all the damn time.

Hitting for average: His track record of messing up bad guys is proven time and time again.

Hitting for power: One time Batman clocked the Riddler so hard that the Riddler couldn’t think of any riddles. True story.

Fielding: Look, Bruce Wayne is a chronic bachelor because he can’t let anybody get close to him for fear that they’ll get hurt. So yeah, he plays the field but it’s for the best.

This is part of my bookshelf. It's actually a Christian Bale doll because I lost the Michael Keaton guy back in the day.

This is part of my bookshelf. It’s actually a Christian Bale doll because I lost the Michael Keaton guy back in the day.

You can tell a lot about a person by who their favourite big-screen Batman is. If you say anything other than Michael Keaton you need to see a therapist or you are a millennial which is not your fault. Right now Ben Affleck is the latest to don the batsuit. Before him there was Christian Bale and before him there was George Clooney, Val Kilmer, and the best Batman to ever Batman, Michael Keaton. Oh yeah, Adam West is in the mix too and whoever that kid is on Gotham who plays Bruce Wayne. There was also these dudes Lewis G. Wilson and Robert Lowery who payed Batman in the 40s but that was way before my time by, like, a lot.

They’re going to reboot the Batman franchise is about 3.5 years anyway so I guess it doesn’t matter how Affleck does in the role. Who besides my imaginary boyfriend Miles Teller, should be the next actor to take on the Batman role? One Saturday a few weeks ago night my significant other and I were watching a Blue Jays game and having some beerst (this is not a typo, that’s how people say “beers” in the Maritimes aka the Alternate 1985 from Back to the Future 2 where we live). He went for a dart and I changed the lock screen on his phone to a pic of Miles Teller from the cover of Men’s Health. I’ve already switched most of his contacts to pics of Keanu Reeves. This is what you get for stinking up the house with your farts, Evan!

I have some ideas depending on where the franchise is going. Are we looking at older Batman? Or, are we looking at “My folks just got killed in an alley” Batman? Hopefully we’re looking at Old Man Batman because if I have to sit through another montage of The Wayne’s getting got, I will lose it.

  • Keanu Reeves – I think we all want this. No? Whatever. You guys are dumb.
  • Idris Elba – If he can’t be Bond, he should be Bat.
  • Miles Teller – He’s already Batman in a recurring dream I have.
  • George Clooney – Just give him another chance so he’ll stop apologizing for Batman & Robin. We get it George, it’s over. You’re like an Expos fan who doesn’t shut up about 1994.
  • Leonardo DiCaprio – Hear me out. Now that he’s got an Oscar, he can finally do a big-budget superhero movie and let loose.
  • Pierre-Yves Cardinal – I know he’s a French-Canadian actor that only like 19 people have heard of but this guy has jawline for days.
  • Derek Jeter – It’s not like he’s doing anything.
  • Adam Pally – Who says Batman can’t be a slightly pudgy Jew with a sense of humour? All Jews are superheroes anyway. Right, fellow my fellow Heebs?

All the aforementioned dudes are 5-toolers in their own right (except for Miles Teller because if you read the interviews with him, he may just be a giant tool). So, when it’s time to reboot the Bat franchise, Hollywood can hire me as a consultant.



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