Bases Bloated: Everybody Hates José

Everyone has an opinion about José Bautista and you know what they say about opinions. Like those unappetizing rear end toots, José Bautista doesn’t sit well with some people. He makes them angry. The amount of “I hate José Bautista” tweets and chatter on the internet is enough to fill the Rogers Centre. So, why does everybody hate José?

Theory 1: He plays for Toronto. 

Many people hate the Toronto Blue Jays for reasons that range from “Toronto sucks!” to “Toronto sucks really hard!” Because Bautista is the Blue Jays right fielder and people think Toronto sucks either hard or really hard, by proxy, Bautista sucks.

Theory 2: He’s a whiner.

Whining is for babies and me when my dude changes the channel when I’m trying to watch John Wick for the zillionth time. He’s all like, “You’ve seen it.” And I’m all like, “So?” and then he’s all like, “Can we watch something else?” And I’m all like, “No.” But then he changes the channel and I whine but then I realize that I have a copy of John Wick in my iTunes library so JOKE’S ON YOU, EVAN. Anyway, people find Bautista to be on the whiny side because he understands baseball and knows the strike zone really well. For some reason it’s okay when Bryce Harper or any other players challenges an umpire, but when Bautista does it, it’s whining. We want our players to understand baseball but when they do, we get mad at them. I don’t even know who the joke is on anymore.

Theory 3: He’s not a middle-aged white man. 

In a world where Donald Trump ran a campaign built on racism and people ate it up, it’s not too far fetched a theory to say that some do hate José Bautista because he’s not a middle-aged white man. Hey José, at least you’re not a woman, then people would really hate you for no reason. plastic blue jays hat

Theory 4: He’s a showoff.

The bat flip. It was childish and he was definitely showing up the pitcher. Who cares? It was game 5 of the ALDS. It’s the playoffs, things are supposed to be a little bigger. Unsportsmanlike? You bet. Entertaining in a “Are you not entertained?!?” Russell Crowe/Gladiator type of way? You know it. That bat flip is now featured on Bautista’s Topps baseball card so I think it’s safe to say that yeah, we’re entertained.

Theory 5: He likes money.

Everybody jumped down Bautista’s throat during contract negotiations because he wanted to get paid. You know who else wants to get paid? EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD. Anyone who says they don’t care about money is a liar or a dirty hippy. Go back to Woodstock, hippy! José Bautista is a professional athlete in a sport with no salary cap. It’s not his fault he’s able to make millions.

Any of the above theories could explain why people have such beef with Bautista. Personally, I don’t care. Let the man flip his bat and make all the monies ever.


  • You say they hate him because he’s not a middle aged white man??? In these insane times of political correctness it’s become trendy to hate anybody who’s white, Christian, heterosexual or conservative. As for Donald Trump, his campaign is based on honestly telling it like it is about the enemies of this country like illegal mexicans who can’t stand Trump for trying to put a stop to their stealing from American taxpayers. Oh, and isn’t he soooooooooo rayyyyyyyycisssss for taking up for these Christians and Jews who have the audacity to want to stop muslim barbarians from killing them? As for Bautista, I have nothing against him. I only wish he had won that fight against that jerk Odor recently. Odor is a dirty player and oooooooo, he’s not a white middle aged man. I must be one on those terrible rayyyyyyycissssssts, you tolerant libbies hate so much.

  • Cito sucks!

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