Monday’s national Anthem (ours) was a thing of beauty. Here’s why.

I’m not a singer. I can put two notes together that are in the same key, but I’m not a singer. I have a range of maybe seven notes. I hum a lot. I’m also a big whistler. Keeping that in mind, please allow me to pleasantly and kindly review the version of the anthem as sung before the Major League All Star game home run derby by Ingrid Andress and remind all of you as to why it was so amazing:

She got all of the words right.

She did not stop, as Carl Lewis once did, and say, “Uh oh.” Uh oh is not in the goddamned Spar Stangled Bammer.

Some people find the sound of cats fighting in a sack to be soothing. On those people’s behalf, let me say to Ingrid, thank you.

Unlike Roseanne Barr, she did not grab her privates.

She did not spit (as Barr once did and as thousands of ball players have before, after, and during the anthem. “Rawwwwwkets red glarrrrre. Splat!”

She did not string together three notes in the same key at any time. This shows independence and an appreciation of freedom. She’s no Commie!

She sounded like she was super emoting. That’s important. Regular emoting sounds like crap.

Speaking of which, she did not risk injuring anyone by gesturing wildly like Celine Dion does when she’s trying to punch that ghost that only she can see right in the giblets.

She did not rap the anthem.

The experience gave her an opportunity to try out the “I have an addiction issue” excuse used by famous people when they are caught behaving terribly. This is a lesson for all of you kids out there. Announcing you drink too much is good for your career.

Her singing caused me to look up the version sung by Fergie. I liked the version sung by Fergie and I happen to think Fergie’s beautiful, so thank you, Ingrid, for allowing me an excuse to watch Fergie perform her version that took just 83 minutes to complete…which was just six minutes shorter than yours.

Ingrid’s rendition took enough time to stop ESPN from being able to show the Pete Rose vs. Ray Fosse collision All-Star game collision for the 7,123rd time. We are still at 7,122.

We all got to feel better about our singing songs out loud in public even if we don’t know how the notes go together.

Several thousand people now know what a home run is and what a home run derby is.

The name Assred Ingbert will forever be in our and John Travolta’s consciousness.

It was a beautiful moment that a few shortsighted individuals are turning into something cheap and tawdry.

As the song goes, “Oh shave can that star spangler banner yet rave.” Damn right. That’s America.

And that’s Ingrid Andres’s’ gift to us. If her critics can’t see that, then shame on them and if you can’t see that or hear that over the sound of howling by all of the dogs in your neighborhood, then shame on you.

For other great moments in caterwauling, check this out: https://betches.com/the-worst-national-anthem-fails-of-all-time/