A Distant Memory: Sports

Hey, you know what used to be fun?

Sports.

Remember sports? Games played by other people that you used to be able to watch on tv. Sit back, turn on the game, enjoy. Drop potato chips between the couch cushions.

The middle of February sucks for so many reasons. Relentless snow, sleet and cold. Your alarm going off in the dark. The freezing cold bathroom floor. If there was a decent ballgame on in the evening, though, it might make it a little more bearable.

The weeks between the NFL conference championships and the NCAA basketball conference tournaments are grueling for the American sports fan.

Notice I said the NFL conference championships and not the Super Bowl, which is everything that’s wrong with sports, America and the entire world.

In particular, the days that surround the NBA All-Star Game are the worst. I understand and appreciate the cultural significance that has come to surround the NBA All-Star Game, which has been referred to as “the Black Super Bowl.” I tip my hat, but I don’t want to watch it. Did you see the final score of the NBA All-Star Game? Let’s just say if you bet the under at 368 points, you lost. Fans who didn’t watch the game wondered if maybe someone applied the Canadian exchange rate to the line score.

I love the NBA. I’ve rooted for the Wizards/Bullets for 30 years. I love the Bucks vs. the Pacers on a Tuesday night. I love the Kings at the Pelicans. Or even the Sixers at the Knicks in the Garden.

But I do not love the All-Star Game, which is simply basketball pornography. It’s like eating a giant box of Pixie Stix. Sure, you might enjoy one or two. But eat 70 of them and you feel subhuman, puking red and purple in a deep depression. And if you think that’s bad, try watching the Celebrity All-Star Game.

So, no NBA for a few days. Fair enough. I’ll watch some college hoops. Except no, I won’t. Dayton at St. Joseph’s? No thank you. Since when did every z-list school in the country get on TV? I watched East Carolina and Tulane go three overtimes the other night. It was so dull, I fell asleep. And I went to East Carolina.

We’re trapped for a few more weeks until NCAA basketball conference tourneys start. You’ll get a decent NBA game now and then. And maybe a college game that’s worth watching. But mostly, it’s a wasteland. Get some exercise. Clean the potato chips out of your couch.

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