Don’t Sell Me Short, Bro
In the waning days of winter, baseball fans and media alike find themselves struggling to fill the void between the Super Bowl and the start of Spring Training. Then, writers can fill their notebooks with platitudes such as, “he’s in the best shape of his life,” and “Jenrry believes the supplement he took contained three types of animal genitalia, but no anabolic steroids.”
Until then, we are forced to subsist on the rotting carcass known as “sports radio” for our news and comments. Last week, a local radio station was able to track down Bryce Harper in between workouts and haircuts to ask him a few questions about the upcoming season. Once pleasantries were complete, Sportszilla and the Jabber Jocks dove right in, asking Bryce what he thought of speculation he might become baseball’s first $400M man. Bryce flipped his hair, sighed, put down the 64 oz. of protein-infused water sourced directly from a remote waterfall cave in South Africa and replied:
“Yeah, I mean, I don’t really think about that stuff,” Harper said Thursday. “I just try to play the years out and do everything I can to help my team win. But don’t sell me short. That’s what you’re doing right now to me, so don’t do that.
“Yeah, bro. I mean, don’t try to put me in a box, because, I like won’t fit or something.”
Could Bryce get $500M? Will his declaration put the Nationals on notice they need to start saving up for his eventual free agency? I really don’t care (unless one night we both end up at Acqua Al 2 after a game looking for some dinner and I say, “What’s up, chief?” and he goes, “Oh, you’re that blogger guy with the kick-ass name and righteous sideburns – can I buy you a blueberry steak?” Then, all bets are off).
But Bryce’s little dance with the Jabber Jocks got me thinking — what if some of history’s most renowned figures took this path?
Grizzled frontier soldier: “George, any thoughts on this Sitting Bull guy?”
Col. George Custer: “I don’t really think about him.”
Soldier: “Yeah, well, we’ve been taking his people’s land for years. He’s got a couple thousand trained warriors who know the land I think he’s kind of pissed.”
Custer: “I’m a Civil War vet. He may have numbers, but I can take him. You’re selling me short – don’t do that.”
See how that worked out? Let’s try another:
Nerdy early 1900’s Princeton scientist: “Hey Al, do you ever think about black holes?”
Albert Einstein: “I mean, not really. They’re kind of basic.”
Scientist: “Yeah, but they could tell us all kinds of amazing things about our universe. What do you know about them?”
Al: “Like, everything? Look, I got this Theory of Relativity thing that explains it all. It might take a hundred years to pan out, but don’t sell it short.”
What if Jonathan Papelbon took this path in the locker room before he decided to choke young Bryce?
Jayson Werth, rehabbing… well, everything: “Hey Pap, how can we keep Bam-Bam from hot-dogging it out there?”
Papelbon: “I don’t know Jay, he’s a kid. I’ve got a wife and family and millions of dollars in the bank. I don’t really think about that.”
Werth: “Yeah, I guess you’re right. He’s not a bad guy. Just a little immature.”
Papelbon: “True. Just to be safe though, I’ll choke him out.”
Well, maybe not. I digress. Spring training games start March 2 against the Rays.