The Spitter Interview with Curt Schilling*

*You might be wondering how The Spitter was able to get an interview with Curt Schilling, considering that the SEC has just filed charges against Wells Fargo for its role in the bankruptcy of Schilling’s video-game company, 38 Studios, and that he is currently serving a suspension imposed by his employer, ESPN, for several controversial political comments he’s made on Twitter and the radio.

Well, the answer is, “we didn’t.” But everything “Curt Schilling”says in the “interview” below can be almost entirely directly attributed to him. All the Jim Rome stuff, on the other hand, is completely made up…

Jim Rome: Good evening, Clones. Welcome to The Jungle, I’m Jim Rome. Today’s guest is a beast, a warrior, he’s one of the greatest pitchers of all-time, and he’s not afraid to have a take and not suck. Let’s give a big jungle welcome to Curt Schilling.

Curt Schilling: Thanks, Romey.

JR: You’re welcome. Thanks for coming. Let’s talk Hall of Fame. Why do you think you haven’t been elected yet when guys like John Smoltz have made it in?

CS: He’s a Democrat and so I know that, as a Republican, that there’s some people that really don’t like that.

JR: That’s weird. So you’re saying that many of the same people who were recently removed from the Baseball Writers of America for being completely out of touch with the game are holding a vendetta against you?

CS: Yeah, like with Lincoln Chaffee. He has a vendetta against me.

JR: Now you’re talking about the situation with your failed video-game company, 38 Studios? What happened there?

CS: I wanted to create jobs and create something that had a very long-standing world-changing effect. We were close. We were close to getting there. It just fell apart.

JR: Fell apart? That’s one way of saying it. The company filed for bankruptcy back in 2012. Now, the SEC has filed charges against one of your lenders, Wells Fargo. The company’s downfall is largely attributed to your mismanagement. Many of your employees were left high and dry, without pay or benefits. Was what happened at 38 Studios your fault?

CS: I’ve helped create 400 jobs in the worst economy of my lifetime. That’s cool.

JR: Yeah, but those jobs disappeared. Do you think your detractors place too much of the blame for that on your shoulders?

CS: Most guys who don’t like me are either Democrats or Yankee fans.

JR: So all of your former employees who still hold a grudge against you, the SEC, and ESPN’s executives are all Democrats?

CS: Or Yankee fans.

JR: So, if it wasn’t your fault, what did go wrong?

CS: It really is not that complicated. I just don’t understand how people don’t grasp the concept of Free Market, and why, left alone it works.

JR: Yeah, but it didn’t really seem to work in this case. In fact, the charges against Wells Fargo are related to a $75 million loan you got from the State of Rhode Island.

CS: Every dollar I can’t commit to my company that’s paid in taxes is paying a government that I believe is too big and doing way too much that I don’t want done.

JR: Ok, this obviously isn’t going anywhere. Let’s move to a more recent controversy. You were recently suspended by ESPN for a tweet you posted comparing Muslims to Nazis. Care to comment?

CS: How about I just knock you out?

JR: Whoa, I’m getting flashbacks of Chris, errrr…. Jim Everett.

CS: Hey clown, why don’t apes still evolve into humans if that was the path. Why doesn’t ANY?

JR: Wait, now we’re on evolution? Are you saying evolution isn’t real?

CS: It’s been disproved about a thousand times. Every experiment to prove it has failed. We didn’t evolve from another creature, never happened and no one earth can prove that it did.

JR: Well, that’ll wrap it up for my interview with World Champion and Bloody Sock competitor Curt Schilling. I guess you could say he ‘brought it’. He certainly had a take…

CS: I think a lot of the reason we are as we are as a nation because people aren’t saying this.

JR: That evolution is a sham?

CS: No, that Hillary Clinton should be buried under a jail somewhere.

JR: Under a jail?

CS: I don’t care what her titles are.

JR: That seems a bit extreme.

CS: I know who I am. My family knows who I am.

JR: So, your family knows you’re an ignorant imbecile with the self-awareness and critical reasoning skills of a post-lobotomy raccoon?

CS: I’m one of those people that looks around right now and says, ‘What the hell is going on?’

JR: I know the feeling. Rome. Out


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