Enjoy Zika-Free Baseball While You Can
This summer’s hottest story? It isn’t the election. Or the Golden State Warriors. Or the Olympics, although you’re getting warmer. Yes, boys and girls, it’s the Zika virus, and it’s coming to kill us all. But first, it’s going to ruin the last decent thing left in our miserable lives, Major League Baseball.
Zika has already taken out a man in Puerto Rico. Supposedly 18 Virginians are infected (which supports my long-running belief that living in Virginia is terrible) and the CDC is telling Americans the infiltration of the disease will happen and its not going to be pretty.
At first, I thought Zika would be limited to those poor souls/idiots venturing to Brazil to participate in this summer’s Olympics. Between the poop water and the total lack of security infrastructure, acquiring Zika seemed like the cherry on top of this literal fudge sundae. But then I read Wednesday’s revelation that an active baseball player, Francisco Rodriguez, contracted the disease this past winter.
We’re through the looking glass here, people.
According to the CDC, Zika is sexually transmissible, and the only thing baseball players love more than playing ball and spending money is laying pipe. And since summer is prime pipe-laying time, well, MLB is doomed.
I predict a major outbreak by the All-Star break in July, where idle hands will drive players back home to the exes they left before heading off to Spring Training. Between that and a half-season of road trips that include groupie pit stops for some 40-plus nights, well, let’s just say we’re gonna find out real soon if Bryce Harper’s still a virgin.
What are our options? Commissioner Rob Manfred is more interested in shortening walk-up music by .8 seconds, so he’s out. We could appeal to a higher power, but the election isn’t until November, which doesn’t give President Trump enough time to build that wall or nuke all of the mosquitoes. I don’t think he’ll be much help either. We might as well just cancel 2016 all together and try again next spring. Besides, the schedule was already screwed up from the record number of rain-outs up along the East Coast. Sorry, Cubs fans.
Of course it would take an act of force majeure for the Cubbies to not win the 2016 World Series. Between a billy goat, Steve Bartman and Jim Hendry, I guess we could have predicted this was bound to happen. Don’t feel too bad Cubs fans, at least you’re not Montreal.
Stay vigilant out there, people!