Baseball’s Almost Out of Crazy, And That’s Bad

You probably heard: A-Rod’s retiring.

This is terrible news for baseball fans.

Hear me out: I’m just as sick and tired of him as everyone else, but A-Rod is truly one of the game’s last prima donnas. He did drugs, posed for stupid pictures, and dated a bevy of famous women: Madonna, Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz, just to name a few. Alex Rodriguez may have been a gigantic lame, but he was never boring.

Baseball’s newest stars would rather appear ripped on the cover of Men’s Health instead of the back page of the New York Post. Where’s the fun in that?

I pondered this question a few weeks ago as I watched Matt Kemp jog out to right field in a game against the Nationals. That guy knows Rihanna. As Kemp ran right by me, I knew this was as close as I’d ever get to dating a famous woman. The man may be worth negative WAR and a drain on his team’s payroll, but I had to admire him.

Mike Trout is engaged to his high school sweet heart and doesn’t really talk. Bryce Harper talks a lot, but doesn’t say very much (he also doesn’t drink, which probably means this won’t be changing any time soon). Jake Arrieta is a beardo who’s into yoga. Madison Bumgarner is all of these things with a crappy attitude (minus the yoga, probably).

Justin Verlander may be the luckiest man alive, but we never see Kate Upton going nuts at a Tigers game (anymore, at least) or ripping a blown call on social media. As soon as Anna Benson gets out of rehab and/or jail, she’s gonna be disgusted.

So, now that A-Rod is gone, who are today’s swashbucklers? Who will try to top Derek Jeter’s Field of Excellence or support a gentleman’s club as vigorously and prolifically as as Andruw Jones? Now, more than ever, fans need a respite from their daily lives. Super star baseball players toeing the line of decency while committing A-List shenanigans provide all that and more.

Don’t get me wrong: there’s no need for more domestic abusers, drunk drivers, or PED cheaters, but a little bit of craziness can do a lot of good: it engages fans, forces people to develop an opinion or attachment to a player (even if your team isn’t winning), and most importantly, pisses off old people!

Young guys want to make baseball fun again? Get out of the trainer’s room, put down the quinoa salad, and throw back a few Jack and waters on Sunset Boulevard or in the Meatpacking District. Just make sure you hire a driver: drinking and driving is never a good look. Besides, how else can you document the night on Snapchat while also cruising Tinder?

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