I don’t read the Bleacher Report, logon to the ESPN app, or check the SportsCenter web page. I don’t have to. I live with a 16-year-old sports junkie extraordinaire, my son Ben, and he lets me know all of the important news that I want to know, could ever need to know, and sometimes don’t even want to know. I enjoyed one of those exciting, informative conversations with Ben a while ago, and it went something like this (Please excuse the excessive exclamation marks. Exciting Braves news generally results in increased volume at my house):
Ben: Mom! Atlanta signed Bartolo Colon!
Me: What!? Are you kidding me? You mean the old, chubby pitcher for the Mets who hit his first major league homerun last season?
Ben: Yes! And guess what else! We also signed R.A. Dickey, the Toronto knuckleballer. This is so awesome!
Me: (with an excited expression that I hope hides the fact I’ve no idea who R.A. Dickey is) Oh my stars! That’s fantastic! Should I write about this for The Spitter?
Ben: Uh, yeah, of course you should! This is huge! We really needed some veteran leadership on our pitching staff.
Me: Okay, so I’ll write something. What should I say?
Ben: Just say the two oldest pitchers in Major League Baseball are headed to the Braves–
Me: Are you serious? These two are the oldest pitchers in baseball?
Ben: Yes, they are. Colon is 43 and will turn 44 mid-season, and Dickey just turned 42.
Me: Dang. I’m older than the oldest pitchers in baseball. That kinda’ hurts.
Ben: (Rolling his eyes) Anyway, say the two oldest pitchers in Major League Baseball are headed to the Braves. Say these signings will bring much needed experience to our young pitching staff and will bridge the gap between Teheran and the next wave of elite pitching prospects on their way up from the minors. These clubhouse vets not only will mentor the Braves young pitchers, but they will also eat innings, since both average close to 200 a season. We’ve needed that kind of endurance in our pitching rotation. Something like that will pretty much say what you need to say.
Me: How much are they gonna’ make?
Ben: Colon signed for one year, $12.5 million. Dickey will make $8 million next season with a $500,000 buyout.
Me: Okay. Great. Hey, wait. I’ve got an idea: Why don’t you write it?
Ben: His best “Mom-you’re-so-dumb” look
Me: It’s never too early to start a sports journalism career.
Ben: Uncomfortable teenager silence.
Me: Alright, alright. Text me the information, so I can remember what you said.
Ben: Ok. Oh, and you know what else is cool? Colon made his debut in the majors on the same day Turner Field opened, in 1997.
Me: Oh, wow! I’ll put that in.
Ben: No, don’t use that. I read it somewhere; it’s not original.
Me: Where did you read it?
Ben: Some tweet.
Me: Okay. Well, don’t forget to text me what you just said.
Ben: Yeah. Sure. I’ll get right on it.
So, it has been a couple of months and I’m still waiting. I hope I got the gist of it, because if it takes him as long as it did to get him to clean the garage, I could still be waiting long after Colon arrives in the Deep South to help open SunTrust Park next month. Go Braves!