The Changes We Could See If J-Lo and A-Rod Decide To Buy The Mets
As if COVID-19 death, disease, ventilator parades, mask-making parties and home sequestering isn’t bad enough, now New York Mets fans might have to deal with Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez as the new owners of their team. According to Variety (where else would baseball news break?) and confirmed by the Associated Press, the two would require about $1.3 billion to purchase 50 percent of the team. A deal with billionaire hedge fund investor Steve Cohen is off the table, so it’s J-A-Lo-Rod to the rescue, to lead a pack of drooling idiots, aka, “prudent investors” who will be lined up by JP Morgan Chase and then shot in the thigh with a 12-guage hypodermic needle gun once they realize what they’ve signed up for.
Lord help them.
There could be benefits to this pairing of glam and shame, perhaps many. Here’s the top 10 things that could happen in the couple’s first season should they be successful. Feel free to submit your own.
1. Employee karaoke Tuesdays! Lunch time, take a big bite of ham sandwich and pick a J-Lo favorite on the karaoke machine. Press play. Open your mouth and pretend to sing as everyone sways in time to a recording of J-Lo singing it for you. It’ll be just like her appearance on “One World. Together At Home” when she didn’t sing “People” live either. Finish chewing.
2. Man purse Mondays: Every Yankees fan who enters during a subway-series game receives his or her own bag, designed of course by A-Rod. Mets fans get a fanny pack in the shape of J-Lo’s behind.
3. Movie night(s): Every night between 5:30 p.m. and the 7:00 first pitch, you get to watch a J-Lo movie. You pick. That one where she’s the plain Jane with no shot at getting the guy, or the one where she’s the plain Jane with no shot at getting the guy. Spoiler alert: She does! Awwwww.
4. With a $10,000 non-refundable deposit, you may attend the J-Lo/A-Rod wedding! Please refrain from bringing your own food to the stadium, not because they will paying for your meal, but because you will be paying for your meal. Don’t worry about the language on the ticket that says you and other attendees will be responsible for paying the legal fees of the party that loses the divorce battle.
5. Spray tan Saturdays. For $50 you get an 1/8 of “Rod Rage,” which is somewhere between classic pumpkin and Cleveland Browns orange. Better go to the gym after application. You’ll put on 10 pounds. It might as well be muscle.
6. Record Contract! T-shirt night to the first 2500 fans through the turnstyles. Come back the next night to pick up one of the shirts that wasn’t claimed.
7. New food court entrees: $34 J-Lo-mein or A-Rod cheese fries?
8. New gold spandex uniform pants! Looks great with #13. Hey, everybody wears 13! Awesome!
9. After a rousing version of “I can hear your glove slapped, duh duh duh duh DUH duh!” join a crowd of dozens in full throat for “…root root root for the Jayyyyy-lo-roddddddd-ih-tans. If they don’t win it’s a (see below).”
10. A return of courthouse watch as A-Rod returns to sue Major League Baseball for Derek Jeter being more popular and for the Mets sucking again.
It’s gonna be great and don’t forget the team’s new catch phrase, along with their new stadium sponsor “The JLoRoditans and Corona. Catch the Fever!!!”