It is not often that we can be the very best at something. Major League Baseball umpire Angel Hernandez’s career has seen a lot of “bests.” Let’s celebrate them now that he has called it quits after 30 years of missing things. 

The best check swing strike three call: Bryce Harper’s bat was parallel to the inside of the lefthanded batters box in a game against Pittsburgh. That was far enough to be called a swinging strike, said Hernandez, who was umpiring on the third base line at the time and may or may not have been relying on the motion sensor he used to have in his dining room to help him make such calls.

Best balk/strike three call: Gleyber Torres of the Yankees saw Toronto pitcher Bowden Francis step off the rubber, tap the end of the rubber, step back on the rubber and immediately throw without coming set. Hernandez saw none of those things, assuming apparently that it was a new kind of windup. Torres was amazed by Hernandez’ skills. So was manager Aaron Boone.

Best called strike three that might have caught the corner (but probably didn’t) and led to what is maybe the best protest of balls and strikes ever: Kyle Schwarber watched a Josh Hader slider as it whipped across the front of the strike zone and end up in the catcher’s glove outside the zone. It didn’t miss by much, if it did at all. Schwarber celebrated Hernandez’ call in style. Schwarber took his bat in both hands and overhand slammed it into the ground along the first base path. He then pointed at Hernandez’ super big brain. Then, the slugger demonstrated where the inside of the strike zone was (or maybe where the edge of the batter’s box was), where the outside of the strike zone was (or maybe where the inside of the other batter’s box was), took both hands in a cupping motion and may have demonstrated where the top of Hernandez’ zone was (eye level), crossed his arms, pointed one way, pointed a different direction, threw his hands in the air and finally stormed off of the field. The video brings me almost as much joy as it brought Schwarber in making it.

Best ejection of a bear: Steve McMichael of the Super Bowl-winning Chicago Bears took the mic to sing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” at Wrigley Field and said he would have words for Hernandez after the game (to celebrate Hernandez’ gifts. McMichael was allowed to slur his way throught the song and was then escorted from the premises. Hernandez did not (wisely) give McMichael the heave-ho sign so anyone could see.

Best use of instant replay to make the wrong call…twice: Adam Rosales of the Athletics hit a bomb against Cleveland back in 2013. It hit the stair railing beyond the right-centerfield wall. Hernandez called it a double. Then manager Bob Melvin asked for the call to be reviewed. Hernandez went under the tent, looked at the video and confirmed his own missed call. Bob Melvin is normally a pretty easy-going fellow. He was super excited after Hernandez pointed to the second base bag.

Best lawsuit that forced an employer to publicly state an employee was not good at his job: In his capacity with MLB, Joe Torre gave Hernandez the 2018 ALDS assignment between he Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees. Hernandez’ work was so incredible that he was not offered the World Series. According to the legal filing, “This was the first time since the advent of expanded instant replay in 2014 that an umpire had three calls overturned in a postseason game.” 

Hernandez sued MLB, claiming discrimination against minorities. Legal experts say he would have won if he had claimed discrimination against the blind. 

What a resume! 

Okay, we’ve had our fun and it’s time to set the record straight. To be fair, there are tons of slo-mo video replays online of bang-bang plays that Hernandez got wrong, but the producers had to go super, super slo-mo to see them. Anyone who has umpired a game will tell you they have blinked as the ball crossed the plate, been unable to see the tag because of all of the dirt and the asses and the elbows flying everywhere, or realized they screwed up one call and screwed up another call to make up for it. There are even a couple of clips that show maybe he got a couple right. 

To be fair, for his career, he really wasn’t a terrible umpire. He was awful in the few games he umpired last year. But overall, he was average, maybe a little below. Here are some numbers from 2015 to geek out about. Some good. Some bad. His real fault? He let his pride and emotions get the better of him. His rabbit ears didn’t help. And he was too quick to send guys to the showers when his confrontational attitude was mostly responsible for the altercation. He was…too human for the job.

So, in all seriousness, we say, So long, Angel. Good luck. Thanks for the effort. Hopefully retirement doesn’t involve too many fights at the Sak ‘n’ Bag. Hey, at least you weren’t boring. And at least you weren’t…CB Bucknor.