Too Focused To Pee: The Matt Harvey Story

The last days of Spring Training are painfully boring. Teams are setting their final rosters so managers and GMs are doing everything they can to make sure they don’t screw up the start of the season. Thus, fans are left with low-level roster moves, which is the equivalent of trying to figure out the number of times Phish has played “David Bowie” live (spoiler alert: it was too many and no one cares).

(Don’t lie to me and act like you care about the fate of David Murphy, because I’m positive half of you don’t know the difference between him and Daniel. I know I don’t.) 

Every story this week is about roster moves; guys who made it, guys who didn’t.  Let me sum up those transactions for you:

Joe Blow was given his unconditional release yesterday by the Washington Nationals. Blow, a 37 year-old journeyman left-hander, hoped to secure a specialist role out of the Washington bullpen, but couldn’t find a spot because his fastball tops out at 83 mph and he walked 13 batters during five innings of spring work. He is also pitching with an elbow tendon donated by a dead horse and hasn’t made a big league appearance since the second Bush administration.

“Joe came into camp and was ready to compete,” Nationals manager Dusty Baker said. “He looked good and showed us he could perform, but at the end of the day, we were in a roster crunch and had to make some tough decisions. I wish Joe the best – he’s a true pro.”

After reading a week’s worth of those, a man is driven to ask for divine intervention. And like clockwork, God provides:

It started with a bladder infection, and it created a blood clot in the bladder,” Harvey said Tuesday morning after returning to camp. “I passed it yesterday. It wasn’t a great first day [after] my 27th birthday, but we cleared that. And then we had a little procedure done this morning just to go in and check the bladder and everything was clear.

That sounds like one hell of a birthday party. I’m guessing whatever Matt drank, it wasn’t vodka cranberry. Maybe he’s not a fan of The Departed.

When Harvey first burst on the scene for the Mets in 2013, he was dubbed the “Dark Knight of Gotham,” a persona he has since fully-embraced. The stubble, the locker logo, the obstinate training schedule… it’s all a part of a carefully-orchestrated approach to make Harvey look like the baddest pitcher on Earth…

Unless he’s got a pain in his dong.

“I didn’t really know what was going on. I was having trouble using the restroom. Any time there’s discoloration in your urine, it’s not a great feeling…”

No shit, Sherlock. They call that “gonorrhea.”

“I guess the main issue is I hold my urine in for too long instead of peeing regularly,” Harvey said with a laugh. “I guess I have to retrain my bladder to use the restroom a little bit more instead of holding it in. I guess that’s what caused the bladder infection.”

Matt Harvey, Dark Knight of Gotham, leader of the best rotation in baseball, All-Star, playoff hero, could use some work on scheduling piss breaks. Terry, get a man on that.

The 2016 baseball season (thankfully) begins this Sunday.


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