In these times of “Daddy Ball” and “Mommy, the coach is mean to me and won’t let me be the starting second baseman. Make him go away,” may I suggest a common-sense set of guideposts for which coaches, parents, boards, and school administrators can use to navigate the sometimes overly-emotional terrain of high school sports. Since I am a positive coach who believes in directing players to understand the thinking they need to have the next time a situation arises, most of the following will be in that vein.

First DO: Parents and spouses of coaches, please join the board that supports your child’s and your coach’s team. Sell fireworks. Run the snack bar. Do something to help. Spouses, you can help your coach immensely by your growing of friendships and conversations with other parents. Also, the less time the coach spends on trips to the store for sports drinks and bags of corn chips, the better. Boards: listen to new ideas. Just because, ‘We’ve never done it that way” doesn’t mean it’s wrong or that it can’t be done.

Second DO: Parents, ask the coach/school/league for a parent/player contract. Read it and discuss what it means to your player. Ask the coach questions instead of assuming. Get your player’s buy-in. Understand that at the high school level, your player may be better suited to play the majority of the time at a position that is not his favorite. A good coach will give him practice time at his favorite spot, though, to help him improve there. Playing time after Little League is not guaranteed. Both of you follow it. Players, you listen to your coaches. Ask questions –individually- when you are confused or disagree with a coach’s statement. Challenging a coach in front of the team is a great way to run extra laps and to sit on the bench. The coach’s job is to identify your weaknesses, identify them for you and the team to learn, and give you directions on how to be better. Your job is to try your best.

Third DO: Coaches, put your expectations in writing and with consequences. Here is a list for you to consider:

1. Be ready to practice at 3:15 every day. If you are late, it’s a foul pole for every minute unless you have cleared it with coach.
2. If you miss practice, you must clear it with coach. An unexcused absence will result in the player not starting. This rewards players who make our team a priority. Excused absences include medical/dentist appointments, funerals, and participation in school events when there is an unavoidable time conflict.
3. Be ready to play the second you get off of the bus for away games. Be dressed in a clean, full uniform when you get on the bus. If you are not dressed, you will not start. (Coaches, determine whether game spikes should be on when they get off the bus or whether street shoes are fine until they get to the dugout.)
4. We practice like we play. When you are given a drill to do, you will try your best. If a player does not attempt the drill, the coach will ask if something is physically wrong. If the answer is no, the player will run a foul pole.
5. Players will be quiet and will give their undivided attention when a coach is speaking. Failure to do so will result in a foul pole.
6. Players will always make sure that another player is watching before a ball is thrown (or kicked in soccer) to avoid injury. Failure to do so will result in a foul pole.
7. A second violation of the above may result in removal from practice.
8. A third violation may result in suspension from the team.
9. A fourth will result in the player being removed from the team.

Fourth DO: Parents, take a little time to consider if you are someone who yells at your children but doesn’t really hold them accountable for their actions. Also, consider if you immediately come to their defense to protect them when someone like a teacher or coach tells them to correct the same behavior you’ve been nagging them about for years. Maybe, you’re just a little overprotective?

Fifth DO: Guardians, understand that your child will attempt to manipulate a situation to his or her benefit if he or she has been successful at it in the past. If you go to war for them and your kids are playing you, you may win the battle, but you will lose the war because good coaches will not want to deal with you and they will go elsewhere. Your child will lose out as a result.

Sixth DO: Parents, ask questions, especially when dealing with an upset player, “What happened?” is a great one. “What did you do?” is another. Be aware of missing pieces of a timeline, over-generalizations, and accusations of favoritism or lack of effort by a coach. Coaches don’t volunteer to not try. “What happened?” to the coach then gives you both sides of the story. “Kelsey said this happened. I heard this from outside the dugout. What did you see and hear and say during this time?” Those are all valid, rational questions that will lead to a conversation and to information. Information is what you need.

First DON’T: Family, do not let your momma or papa bear instincts get the better of you. “Why do you hate my son?” “My son is a great player.” “You’re a terrible coach.” “All of the parents say…” These are examples of questions or statements that not helpful, nor are they questions. Also, when you are exaggerating the number of people supporting you, you are attempting to bully the coach and enable your child. See below.

Second DON’T: Do not take your involvement as license to complain about Dante’s playing time or to yell at the coach for daring to discipline your child. Personal attacks will also get you nowhere and will only teach your child to be a bigger jackass than he or she already is.

Seventh DO: Move your child to a different program if you feel you must. If you have the same issues there, consider the possibility that you and/or your child are the problem. This leads to…

Eighth DO: Check yourself. What does the whole puzzle look like? What are the dynamics of all the kids? Are you the problem? Do you want this too much?

Ninth DO: For Little League Boards, principals, athletic directors, and administration, when you hear complaints about coaches from other coaches, take them seriously. Is the coach trying to control out-of-control kids or is he just yelling? Is he yelling because the player is 100 yards away or is he yelling because he does not control his emotions well? Is the coach practicing sexist behavior or demeaning players based on stereotypes? Is the coach giving the impression that the strong can do whatever they want? Are the coaches allowing kids to act in a dangerous fashion? Is one coach trying to encourage safety while the other coach is contradicting him or her? Is he/she playing favorites by starting their children at the key positions and not giving others a chance? Is the coach a good role model? If the coach were winning only 30 percent of the time, would your answer be the same?

Third DON’T: As a coach, NEVER put your child’s needs ahead of the team’s. Neither of my children were ever in the starting lineup at the beginning of the season. If you can have that mindset, you will obtain immediate buy-in from all of your parents.

Fourth DON’T: …force kids to specialize at an early age. Coach all of your kids to learn all of the positions. If you can’t do this, then you need to resign immediately. “Daddy Ball” -favoritism on the basis of genetics or the success of the travel ball team outside of your league- is bad for the kids you are supposed to be helping and is killing high school sports because you have taken the fun out of it.

TENTH DO: Play everyone at the formative levels of your sport and teach them ALL of the positions. They kid you just stuck in right field has no idea where the ball goes because you have not had him practice at shortstop. There are times throughout a game and a season when the kid with no coordination and no skills can help your team. Seek out those opportunities. Pinch run them as often as possible. In other sports, put them in at cornerback on obvious running plays. Put them in at center when your team is down 30 and the other team is shooting threes. Kids want to play and if you let them, they will do anything for your team.

ELEVENTH DO: Admin, stand up for your coaches. Parents during the COVID era learned they could bully you and now their kids are in your classrooms and your athletic programs. If you do not stand up for your coaches when you know they are doing the right things and the kids and parents are in the wrong, you will lose on multiple fronts. Your teachers will lose because the kids know they run the school. The teams lose because the players are not prepared for the games. The kids lose because they are running the show, but have no idea what they are doing. Your school loses because the teams lose and the coaches go elsewhere -usually your biggest rival- and then rejoice in beating the snot out of you on the field for the next decade. You can avoid this. If you aren’t willing to fight for what’s best for the kids, why are you still in education?

The TWELFTH and FINAL DO: Examine both sides of the issue. From where is the other side coming? Why would that person say that? What is this person’s goal? Am I in the wrong as a parent? Am I in the wrong as a coach? How can I best support kids to learn to be good people and good athletes? Am I willing to do the right thing, even if it’s hard?

Finally. sports are not about winning. This is not Major League Baseball. These are not the New York Yankees nor the Los Angeles Dodgers. You are not getting paid if you are a Little League or foundational league coach. Sports are about group of athletes trying their best and supporting each other. Sports are about failing, learning from failure, and ultimately succeeding. Sports are about improvement and tenacity. Sports are about taking responsibility.

We have a mindset as a society that winning is the only thing. I never met a person who won a contest because he or she was thinking about winning. It is the process of each task during each play that determines that play’s outcome. Usually, the team with the most successful outcomes wins the game.

Basically, it boils down to this. Focus on the process, not the score. Ask, “How can I do better?” Ask, “Am I being selfish/unreasonable?” Help others whenever you see an opportunity. Have appreciation for effort. Try. Try again. Keep trying until you get it right.

There is a child looking at you to do the right thing.