You Have No Baseball And 200 Rolls Of Toilet Paper. Now What?

So, COVID-19, which most of us are calling the coronavirus, has suspended all major sports seasons and sent several of you into a toilet paper-buying panic.

The irony is those of you who can carry the most probably need it the least. Unless you’re over the age of 70 you can put some of those rolls back.


According to the World Health Organization the mortality rate for the disease Covid-19 is 3.5 percent worldwide. China’s Centers for Disease Control released the breakdown of those who had tested positive for the disease and those who had succumbed to it in mid February. The data showed an 85 percent survivability rate for people over the age of 80 and a 92% survivability rate for people aged 70 to 80. That means that the fatality rate for seniors in China was 15 percent for 80 and over and 8 percent for 70-to-80 year-olds. Again, that was mid-February.

For the rest of the population under the age of 70 the mortality rate was 1.3 percent with people with compromised immune systems being especially susceptible. One hundred minus one-point-three equals… 98.7 percent.

Those numbers are going to be different depending on the country but they do give a decent idea as to what the disease is doing, which is primarily targeting the aged and the elderly.

So instead of hoarding all of the bottled water and the sanitary wipes and the toilet paper and the rice for the bunker you’ve been hastily constructing in the backyard… maybe you can spend your time washing your hands, coughing into your elbow, throwing your handkerchiefs away and wiping down all of the crap you’ve been hoarding and figuring out how to get some of those items to your neighbors who are senior citizens.

This would make sense since they are the ones who are at actual risk of death, as opposed to your 43-year-old relatively healthy ass. That way they don’t have to go out in public and risk exposure from the elementary school-kid-carrying Covid Constance and Corona Carlotta who live down the street who cough in their hands, and touch everything in the store they see. “Hack. Mom can I have Bran Flakes? Cough. Mom what’s Desitin? Hack. Mom. I feel hot. I like -snort- Met-cough-amucil.”

So, please, save the old people that and start doing the right thing. It’s called selflessness or thinking of others or being a good human. Someday you’ll be old and by then the viruses will have all joined forces to cull the herd of senior citizens and immune-system-weakened humans on planet Earth and you will be one of them. As COVIDMERSAVIANFLU-20 flys or sails itself from town to town and you actually are in danger of dying from it, you’ll be grateful when someone pays the generosity forward that you started today and drops off adult undergarments, corned beef hash and some canned fruit as well as a couple of six packs of good stout beers on your doorstep with a note that say “You’ll be OK. Stay safe. Don’t panic. Ask for help if you need it.”

Finally, if you’re hoarding things that people need so you can jack up the price and sell it online, there’s a special virus headed your way. It’s called the karmavirus. It’s a bitch and you deserve every ounce of toilet-paper-related pain and suffering you get.

For the rest of you, we will get through this if we use our heads. Baseball will be back and the world will return to normal.

For now, go, be well, and please, do the right thing.

The latest and greatest episode covering the world of stouts from the Stoutcast podcast.

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