Donald Trump Predicts the 2016 Baseball Season
First of all, let me congratulate you on reading the classiest, best, most accurate baseball predictions on the Internet. As you all know, I am very smart – brilliant, in fact. I also attended the best schools and I have the best words, so this will be an incredibly well-written predictions column. You’re welcome.
Second, this baseball season is gonna be uuuuuuuge. It’s gonna be tremendous. Really, really tremendous. I can’t wait.
Third, my hands are fine. They’re totally normal. Actually, they’re better than normal. They’re terrific.
Fourthly, have you tried my Trump-brand steaks? They’re delicious. The best.
Now, some of you may be asking; why should I listen to Donald Trump on baseball? How is he qualified to make baseball predictions? The answer to that is; you’re an idiot for asking, and if you were here right now I’d punch you in your face. Then I’d sue you. Because I can. Because I have the best lawyers.
Before making these predictions, I asked myself a few questions:
- Will I be 100% right, or will I somehow set a new standard and be 105% right? Only time will tell.
- What’s bigger; tremendous, huge or terrific? I need to know, because it will help me classify some of these predictions. Just so you know, like most of the things I say, my decision on this matter is subject to change at a moment’s notice. But I want you to simply remember the answer that best fits your own opinion, then forget everything else.
- Can I pick both the Yankees and Mets to win the World Series?… What’s that, I can’t? Who cares, I’m going to do it anyway. You know why? Because I’m Donald Trump. I have $10 billion, and have you seen how hot my wife is?
- Which team is most likely to utterly destroy and crush ISIS, killing every single one of them in a painful, totally inhumane way so that they can come to understand and appreciate American values?
- Which team has the fewest Mexican rapists on its roster?
- How can I make asinine predictions, get the stupidest baseball fans in the country to back those predictions, build my brand so that I can make a lot of money no matter how accurate those predictions turn out to be, then get the hell out of the baseball prediction business before those idiot fans make me commissioner?
The Yankees and Mets. Don’t get me wrong (because I never am), but I don’t see how both of these teams don’t win the World Series. Just look at the numbers. They’re the best, the classiest. And I know class. Have you BEEN to the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City? It’s the epitome of class.
The Dodgers. They have a uuuuuuuge payroll, and if there’s one thing I know it’s that spending a lot of money automatically makes something great. I mean, with a lot of money, you can put gold leaf on EV-ERY-THING.
The Cubs. People keep saying the Cubs are going to win the World Series this year. I don’t buy it. The Cubs are total losers. I don’t like losers. I want a team that’s won something, not a team that I would have fired before Gary Busey on Celebrity Apprentice.
The Oakland A’s. Initially, I was torn on this one. The A’s are from Oakland, which is in the Bay Area, which means they’re prissy political correct ninnies. On the other hand, Billy Beane has obviously read The Art of the Deal, which for those of you who don’t know… Ah, who am I kidding? You all know about The Art of the Deal. It’s the best book about finance ever written. And I should know. I wrote it and I have $10 billion. Case closed.
The Philadelphia Phillies. In case you weren’t aware, I went to the Wharton Business School in Philadelphia, and that’s the best business school in the world. The best. If it wasn’t the best already, it became the best once I got there. But the Philadelphia baseball team is a bunch of losers. Total and complete losers. They remind me of Rosie O’Donnell, but with a skinnier first baseman.
Any team in a state that hasn’t held a Republican primary yet. I’m looking at you Baltimore Orioles, Pittsburgh Pirates, Seattle Mariners and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Northern Orange County fans.
Look, it’s not like I actually want to win this thing. I never wanted to win this thing. And now that I’m on the verge of winning this thing, I kind of think I might want to try to win it. But I’m not sure. Either way, whatever happens, you’ll never be able to say that Donald Trump is a loser. Even if I lose. Because if that happens, then it’s exactly what I wanted to happen. Which makes me a winner. A big, fat winner.