Hardball Theatre: Dee’s Nuts
A Play in One Act by Keith Good
(Lights up on the Miami Marlins’ clubhouse. DEE Gordon sits at his locker, phone in hand. His uniform hangs limp before him, almost taunting him. BARRY Bonds enters, dressed in his Hitting Coach’s uniform.)
Dee: Dee freakin Gordon, man! Dee!
Barry: It’s just 80 games. You’ll be okay.
Dee: “Dee’s Nuts” are shriveled and useless, Barry.
Barry: (Glances down to his own groin) Trust me, that’s…not as big a side effect as everyone says. Come August–
Dee: Dee’s Nuts can’t wait until August. My brother-in-law has Starling Marte AND Jose Altuve. I’m talkin Roto, bro, none of this filthy casual H2H shit.
Barry: Wait. Is… “Dee’s Nuts” your fantasy team?
Dee: Stupid Dee Gordon got his ass suspended and now my whole season is riding on Jedd Gyorko! Jedd Gyorko!
Barry: Oh. That is bad. Uh, you could probably get Anthony Rendon…
Dee: I could also shoot myself in the face, Barry!
Barry: If you want to use fantasy baseball to cope with your PED suspension… Just stream second basemen. Play the pitching matchups.
Dee: There are no 2Bs, Barry. Dee Gordon’s suspension inflated the market.
Barry: Are we talking about Dee Gordon or “Dee’s Nuts” Dee Gordon? …I’m getting confused.
Dee: What was Dee Gordon thinking? It must be nice to have a multi-million dollar contract, not worry about losing his house because of his 17 fantasy leagues like the rest of us.
Barry: You’re freaking me out, Dee. Uh, how much did you…(mimes injecting roids into his butt) You know?
Dee: (Low voice, leans close to Barry) A source very close to Dee Gordon said Dee Gordon was gonna have a big year. Big, big year.
Barry: You juiced to win fantasy baseball?
Dee: (nods) Dee Gordon was primed for a monster year.
(A short pause)
Barry: Why didn’t I think of that?! I could have made a killing! Look at me! Baseball’s best hitter, slumming as a hitting coach.
Dee: I know, man. It’s like watching the end of Old Yeller 162 times a year. But it’s cool.
Barry: It’s cool?
Dee: (Taps his phone, smiles) I got a good tip, picked up this kid from waivers…gonna have a huge year.
(Dee stands up, shows the back of his jersey to Barry and the audience.)
Barry: “G. Dordon?” You’re gonna get even more suspended, Dee.
(Dee pulls a fake fu-manchu from his back pocket and slaps it on.)
Dee: Who’s “Dee?” I’m G. Dordon. And even if G. Dordon does get suspended, I found another guy on waivers…(pulls a rasta dreadlock wig, speaks in a bad Jamaican accent) I gon’ get me some o dat “C. Bordon,” mon.
Barry: that’s super racist, dude. Listen, why don’t you just let me take the pee tests for you?
(Dee and Barry share a long look.)
Barry: Yeah I knew it was dumb as I was saying it.
Dee: (Still in horrible Jamaican accent) Dordon n’ Bordon gon be huge fo da Marlins dis year! “Dee’s Nuts” g’win a fantasy beisbol title, mon!
(Beat. Barry looks Dee up and down.)
Barry: …I don’t suppose you have a “Larry Londs” jersey in there?
Dee: Yah mon!